god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Randomize
