I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Randomize
