Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Randomize
