My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
im calling her cock vulture from now on
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
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