I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Randomize
