the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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