Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
