You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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