she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
