we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
