My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
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