In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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