I looked at my own cervix.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
