Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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