dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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