i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
