i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
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