I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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