when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
