just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
