its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
