I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
