someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
