I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
