i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
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