just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
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