my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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