You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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