true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
