I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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