I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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