the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
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