why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
