sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
