There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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