come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
