I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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