Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
