We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
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