We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
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