just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
