I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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