The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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