i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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