You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
