Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
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