you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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