He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
