He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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