I don't remember. Are we still dating?
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
