Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
